I keep hearing about people writing their bucket lists. They always seems so proud of doing it too. I mean, anybody can write a list. You can spend your whole life writing lists. Then, next thing you know, you’re dead. And a list about buckets is not going to make it any easier for someone writing your eulogy, is it? Well, I’m not one to question, so here’s my bucket list:
1. A red bucket.
2. A wooden bucket
3. A blue bucket.
4. A bucket shaped like a castle for making sand castles.
5. I once stuck a hot marshmallow stick through a plastic bucket to see the plastic melt, and then filled it with sand and threw it into the lake to destroy the evidence. The sand slipped through the bucket, and the bucket washed to shore. I was sent to my room for a time-out.
6. Bucket seats.
7. Charlie Bucket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I thought I had this one crossed off when I tried to break into the Purdy’s factory on Kingsway, but then an elderly east india security guard chased me out and around the building 4 times before he collapsed holding his chest. I was disheartened (as was he, literally), but I was in little Vietnam so I ate some Pho.
8. A Mop bucket, complete with cleaning service to use it.
9. An African woman carrying a large bucket on her head for 5 kilometres from the well everyday so her family doesn’t die from dehydration. Just once I want someone to do that for me. Would it be so hard? I don’t think I’m asking for too much.
10. Once there was a guy scuba diving and he got picked up in the bucket of a forest fire fighting helicopter. When the helicopter released the water, the scuba diver got impaled on a tree. I would wear a parachute when I’m doing it though. Idiot.
11. Milk bucket complete with milk producing cow teet.
12. Excavator bucket.
13. Being told by someone to hold open my mouth wide with my fingers and try and say ‘bucket’, which makes it sound like I’m saying ‘fuck it’. Prick.
14. A lunch bucket
15. A dinner bucket.
16. Can you have a breakfast bucket? Mine would be filled with bacon.
17. A bucket of beer.
18. A bucket of vodka.
19. A blurket of moooooooonshine…..